I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
