I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
