Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
No subtext here. People are naked.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
