Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
