I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
