i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
