I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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