I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
