It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
