the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
