just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
