I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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