i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
