Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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