My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
