this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
