So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
