I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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