Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
