When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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