my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
