i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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