every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
