I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
