Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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