I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
