I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
