Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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