awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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