I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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