I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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