Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I smell like Dick and happiness
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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