I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
