I got chris browned last night
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
