note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
