I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
