You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
