God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
