Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
