well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
