Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
