wat bout pragnant strippers??
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
