life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
