im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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