I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
