the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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