Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
