she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
