So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
