I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
