He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
