My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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