May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
