i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
