Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
