just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My penis needs a shock collar
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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