he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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