Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
