I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
