i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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